| No...just..no really. |
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| 02:07pm 05/09/2007 |
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I'm not alright. I find it far easier to pretend to be happy than to display being miserable, but i am. Miserable that is. Thoughroughly. It would appear im so good at hiding it that even i didn't realise until Monday. It came as quite shock as i'm sure you'd agree were you in my place.
Admittedly i havn't got as much to be sad about as others, but for me at least I feel a lot like I bought a house only to come home one day and find it demolished and replaced with a better one complete with a new owner smiling smugly at my newfound homelessness.
Hurrah.
It only serves to pour acid in the wound when certain friends appear to have no real intreest in fiding out if i am ok. A text this afternoon just about summed it up really.
btw this isn't aimed at anyone who may read this.
Just to top things off i also have to contend with my parents who seem to have no regard for my actual feelings either and who seem determined to concentrate on my failings rather than help me progress.
[ Not an hour ago i had finally built up the courage to start applying for auditions only for my mother to come in and effectively piss all over me ]
I have also upset Claire, which worries me which is actually stupid because she upset me and...... i just hate people.
argh.
I have such a world of unpositive things to say to myself right now.
If anyone has some spare foreceps please forward them to me so i can attempt to pull my self indulgent head out my arse. |
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| 09:47am 28/08/2007 |
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ou ey la grandplan?
I need a lifecoach....any takers?
on a sideways note despite the weekend i am feeling moderatley bouncy
Friday night out anyones? I'm thinking music of the loud variety and a easily located bar?? |
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| 12:34pm 27/08/2007 |
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well the end, finito, fin, etc etc. I am not a student i am not in a relationship, i am not employed, i am not solvent, i am not, it could be summised, very accomplished.
huraah, i am truly a fuckup of my time.
Still I have, at this very moment in time, got the FANTASTIC job of tidying my room...solid fun for all!
It really wouldn't be so bad except i a big jittery sleepdeprived sunburt wumpklutz.
I would really like to crawl back into bed thankyou please.
Oooh, er come to the angel bar in Shoreham on wed from 7, then maybe i'll actually get the job ? :) |
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| 12:45pm 15/07/2007 |
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music: Smashing Pumpkins Tarantula
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I have concluded that i am soon to move back to Shoreham for an indefinite period.
Dartington can basically go close itself down [oooh, it IS....how handy!]
Nothing against the old place, just. Not for me.
So im going to trundle off to brighton for my cousins wedding in August and relocate permanantly. My aims and goals once in residence yet again are as follows
Replaster my old walls in pictures to stop room loooking slightly tatty. [this really IS a priority, can't sleep well in badly decorated enviroments [tents are an exception because outside tents are cows and fields and trees and hills]
Get a good ole job jobity job to earn me some dough for baking the rest of my life with.
Apply for drama courses. Eventually conclude after a million years of arse pandering about like a giant melon on a golf tee perched on an escalator that acting really IS the only thing i can put 100% into without wanting to remove my ankle bones with an aloe vera plant.
Huzzah.
Plus by doing this i am keeping the spirit of youth alive...or...um summat like that.
Oh,BIG problem will be the other drama students, if thet're all scarf wearing wank merchants i WILL cry.
hmmm i will have to have a moving BACK party. How quaint. i think the theme will be oops... i fucked up.
The only down side is leaving everything behind here, but I need to shove a fire cracker up my ass otherwise i will become a box lady. box lady bad, leaving life behind, less bad. Rationalised! sorted.
NB i can't actually complain about uni too much as i don't have a proper impression of what it was ACTUALLY like. I can however tell you that sleeping through lectures is one of the warmest feelings you can possibly have besides getting a day off work because the air con is broken. |
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| 11:38am 10/07/2007 |
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music: supercharger - cars and girls [d nox and beckers remix]
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IN FER NAL Ticking!!!
argh
for the last few nights and days i have had my time rudely interrupted by a phantom watch.
ARGH its counting away my life and i dislike it thankyou please.
I am hung over like michael jacksons kid on a balcony
ALSO and this aggrieves me muchly, i can't walk properly because i've trapped a nerve in my hip by sleping drunk in the same position.
TIT
last night was fun tho.
DAMN DEVON
off tomorrow to land of nothing. huzzah
keep dreaming of being imprisioned or else of going to drama school that looks like hogwarts. |
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| Juggling as an amputee |
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| 11:00pm 07/07/2007 |
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mood:  worried music: Guano apes/soundgarden/Krafty Kuts
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Re-cap of my time since getting back to the 'Ham on wednesday eve.
Wednesday 2100hrs - finally make it home. Eat. Go online. Sleep [age again!]
Thurs 1125hrs - awaken in a bed not just on a matress. Luxury. Take in old room. Faff. shower go meet Laura Daisy Bon steve tub jake ala Duke. Dissaointed by fucking wipe clean floors! argh, the Duke should be carpeted with the memory of a floor covering alone!
go from pub to home, home to station, train to brighton to meet Gaz at 2115hrs. Its wet. Hair dislikes rain, Gaz dislikes smoking ban, station warden dislikes Gaz for smoking.
Wander into St James's street. game of pool in one bar, then n to charles st. £1 entry and then, like, two vodka lemonades and two coronas for a £5!!! Totnes alcohol must be full of gold, or oil, or someones wealthy grandmother. Fucks.
2300hrs we go upstairs to the club [we almost only make it to the disabled toilets after some drunken confusion over the directions!]
Night goes from one level to another, shamefully danced on a podium. me and Gaz decide the time is now ripe to goto Leannes new flat, am VERY twozzledby this point so the journey is a little hazy.
over he next few hours I know i hit my head pretty hard and fell over whilst sitting down/leaning back. Clever child.
Friday was spent in severe recovery with me almost having a breakdown at the prospect of walking to the station and getting a train home. Got home and went to bed.
Today all day i have spent watching series 4 of the l word and general internet pottering. Have also been worried about my head \o/
Tomorrow is Sunday. ARGH |
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| 07:54pm 12/06/2007 |
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I dont know who reads this anymore, all seems a bit like the final piece of snot at the end of a long cold tbh.
Anyhow the news from me is belittling to my intelligence but accurate in terms of my motivation. Think i've failed my first year for the second time. Due to this impending doom i may very well return to Shoreham in two weeks forever. [When i say forever, i hope i mean, until i decide upon a proper course for my life].
I'm planning to come home in the first week of July. After this i will get a full time [soul destroying] job and perhaps toy with the idea of a performing arts or drama course [why am i the prick that takes 6 years to realise the obvious love of my life?]
Because of this I should finally be able to commence being the friend i always should have been to you people. I'm missing you all right now. I'm missing being 17. I'm missing so many things. Smashing Pumpkins have new stuff out which is so reminiscent of the old days. Give me a blanket and some false teeth please, i wanna rock out with the werthers originals.
Aside from this I feel a bit like my GSM console has just lost power and im stuck in the middle of the black forrest of life.
If any of you are around soon i would love so much to see you all. If any of you feel like you fancy co-writing some comedy sketches, performing in them or filming them this would also be wicked. The one thing this uni has taught me is that anything can be accomplished with enough passion and i need to rediscover exactly what passion is because im scared its run away from me forever.
Also I think my mum has finally gone odd. A particulally traumatic visit last week has left me feeling more aware than ever of senility and mortality.
We used to have such fun [albeit alongside angst, but still] can we ever recapture this? I feel like i've just been relying on films for so long.
Pre- feotal crime rings are the scourge of the future...BELIEVE.
xxxx |
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| 04:36pm 14/04/2007 |
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I am suffering the soporific effects of Devon already; Walking into walls, loss of speech ability, avoidance of work [think it's safe to say i may have lost my job...no work ethic:S]
Its sweltering here. Im consumed by a gargantuan cloud of unstoppably warm steam, if i was a wall i swear my wallpaper would be peeling right now.
no, no i can't even muster any anger.
maybe they put prozac or crack in the water. Maybe im catatonic and this is some wierd and dull dream. By the time sunday happens here, you guys will have lived thorugh an entire week.
I'm sorry i didn't see much of people [as is always the way] but i shall make up for it with flowers and cards and songs strummed on a lyre when i return for my THREE MONTHS OF FUN.
No doubt i'll mumble more crap in here at some point again.
p.s if anyone see's my muse floating about, can you jab him in the side with a marmoset and send him packing in my direction please. My mind is full of pretzels |
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| 12:33am 08/04/2007 |
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P.s
NIN - year Zero sounds like a glitchy bassy version of all the other NIN albums. I reccomend volume, anger and alcohol.
Strangly enough it blends into the new kings of leon album and anythingby the pixies.
I'm off to eat my own placenta. yeah. |
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| 12:19am 08/04/2007 |
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I would rather eat my own face than live for three months with my parents over summer.
Add to that, the fact that i owuld rather inhabit my own bowel than go back to Totnes and you have a problem.
Only the ubergoit that is me could have possibly picked the university that would close as soon as i graduated, and, not only that, but the only university that has only one option when it comes to nightlife.
I am officially fed-up of resorting to mind altering as a way to get cheap kicks.
Even seeing people i've missed massivly is proving o be a problem currently.
Dan Ashcroft is right by the way ( in a -I'm a fictional fuck kind of way) The rise of the idiots. Shoreham is full of them, Cage and sedate this town and i may feel a slight prick of comfort. Why am i not 18 anymore?
Ahh the only minute pleasure i have is posting this tripe onto the world wide web. May i make some amazonian web dweller feel justified in nuking the U.K.
Can i get a Hell Yeah?
p.s if anyone knows of any use i can be put to over the summer i would be highly receptive to their ideas. Im thinking of applying for lottery funding and becoming shorehams statue in memorium to those with a brain who persihed in the great half decade idiocy following the millenium.Right now i'd probably tell myself to piss off. |
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| 05:23pm 30/03/2007 |
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IM BACK!!!!
no...lies
BUT
i WILL BE BACK
WEDNESDAY 4th April, make notes!
I propose an ADUR BEERFEST day! |
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| just a quicky!! |
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| 02:27am 23/02/2007 |
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mood: fucked music: Klaxons
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Just a quicl one to say that, despite me seeming uninterested i'm not i'm just stupidly busy doing coursework and trying to come down withouth fucking up my entire life.
Also just moved in with claire!!!
Love you all
xxxx |
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| i think 2006 has caught up with me .. |
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| 08:04pm 04/01/2007 |
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music: The Automatic / the klaxons
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The bastard strapped rockets to its tail end, and has chased me down to shoreham town.
arse bandaids.
Ifeel like a thousend unborn puppies have been slaughtered right in front of my eyes
I feel like my brain has fallen through my pelvis like a basketball in a hoop and scored and own goal.
I feel like
WTF when did i get to 24???
ownfault. one shall accept the blame .
currently deflecting an arsenal of homework using smoke and mirrors.
Lonely now.
hi/bye etc all |
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| I meant to post this the other day |
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| 10:40pm 02/09/2006 |
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mood: Tired as an egg is a 3D elipse music: Electrochoc Vol 1
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*bounce* *BOUNCE* *bounce*
Charlotte, are you POOR?? HELL YES!
Charlotte, do you have a job?? HECK NO!!
Charlotte, do you even have a house?? NO WAY!!
So, yes....why am i so bouncey? Hmmmm horemonal inbalance? a slight enlargement of the glands? too many cups of tea? an encounter with a badger on a dark night?
OR POSSIBLY
The fact that Sunday [despite earlier misgivings, as pre-empt all good parties] WAS AWESOME
AND despite Depression Tuesday, when i resigned myself to living in Exeter [this goes against all my cosy dreams of a nice house in Totnes with halloween parties and a garden for fireworks etc]my sister rang up and said she was still willing to pay for me to LEARN TO DRIVE
Whooooooo, also, sort of in theme...but well, not in theme, there is something in the world now that is anti alcohol and that, for me and my quietly suffering liver, can only be rated PG Some scenes of moderate peril, ultimatly good outcome.
I am going to now attempt a pub quiz. I feel i would be better at pub quizes if google could work quicker on my portable brain/mobile.
BTW one of these days we should all go cheeserolling dressed as joanna lumley. Talk about an EXtreme sport guv'nah!
A toast to the nation, and washing machines FAR and WIDE p.s |
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| 08:49pm 26/08/2006 |
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mood: Bouncy music: DJ HEll Mix Live Sept 05
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I want everyone in one place.
obviously this is logistically impossible [ everyone in the same place, say the Isle of Wight would obviously lead to a spread of disese and death and babies popping out left right and centre next to people popping thier own clogs ...yes ! even the non-dutch]
What i mean to say is, I want all my friends in one place, becasue currently its like trying to do a product recall on world aid dropped rice.
I must now appologise and vacate.
I hyper something stupid for no reason.
partyward i go. See some of you thar i s'pose.
OOhh if anyone knows a a DJ HEll gig happening near in location and date PLEASE tell me ....i think i'd be so pumped i'd burt my skin and turn into a chiwawa! |
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| 10:33pm 07/08/2006 |
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mood: unrepentant music: Jason donovan and the screaming eunuchs
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Does anyone know if my parents are still alive ?
Any sightings of them not in the back of an ambulance/face down in a coffin, gratefully appreciated!
Somerfield not only rejected me, they did so in a manner hitherto unknown in the world of polite society: Interview --> n-o-t-h-i-n-g
As you would expect i cried my last drop of emotion and died an internal death.
Ho Hum another interview tomorrow
(am getting dsesperate now, have collected a vast list of things what i am shit at, don't want ability to find a job to be added to them)
Failing all that i shall get the free train to hades and pimp myself to some leppers in order to get back to Brighton for the 17th !!!
huff huff huff!
miss you all
your highly crap friend
Charlotte
i am part-spack !
xxxxxx |
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| 11:48am 30/07/2006 |
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Sometimes I'd quite like to be able to nawr off my own hand, i have a feeling it would provide me with a sense of satisfaction.
Wales is still Welsh and has a undiluted national pride i havn't seen anywhere else (it is joked that anyone famous who even so much as looked at wales is IN FACT from wales )
Seen some funny Jesus things .......apparently Christ will lead you to the light, although i commented that with electric, that little trick is somewhat obsolete.
Uni is on pause/repeat as i face the prospect of redoing my first year again ( the upside is perhaps my new class wont be mainly people to avoid)
I have embraced the art of CV falsfication.
I am now about to tout my wares in town again in a vain hope of GETTING A JOB
ARGH
whats with all the beetles as well? bloody bugs are everywhere
OOh...and i went sea fishing but caught nothing......had i actually managed to catch a fish, i would have eaten it as i am poor and hungry! |
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| 07:59pm 20/07/2006 |
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music: Shallow Grave - Leftfield
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I have a strange sense of foreboding in the pit of my stomach. Why?
Paper today had a headline "Disturbing report concludes KID's CAN CATCH CANCER"
Shit dude, what next, they catch Gay ?
Or were we supposed to imagain that children are immune as a way to accept the obsession with youth and the way its slowly turning all our elderly into vaccuum packed forms of thier original self (go look at axel Rose )
So anyways, im still in wales,roasting in the pizza oven we call summer.
My 'performance' is on sat from 6-11 if anyone can make it hohoho!
"once upon a time the only definite was the end"
I'm really not depressed, im just in a weird mood, sorta angry, once again my perpetual directionless self is angering me.
I am however looking forward to the big wedding :)
btw Laura, i'm really sorry about little bear :( also, you want me to wrtie a speech for the dooooo or not ? :)
Glad and envious to hear how good a time you all had at glade :D
damn, plunged into semi light gaz's bulb has just blown.
oh also also, today i was envious of a girl on trisha who said her goals for life were to work in a sports shop or a bar!!! If only my head liked stuff that easily obtainable! |
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| 01:10am 08/07/2006 |
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mood: these earphones rock my world music: Cuture Beat on my new SEW810i
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I had an idea for a project, well, actually it was two.
One was putting a video that i never managed to capture, of two diggers on top of a mound of rubble clearing up a building site, to the tune of 'Delerium - 'till the end of time'. I may have mentioned this before, but as i walked past and the music fed my brain it merged to create a poetic beauty that hung in between me and reality, I wanted other people to see, and appreciate it.
The other was taking a war documentary, as brutal as possible, and overlaying canned laughter. This was mainly becuase it occoured to me that war as entertainment is fucked up but its on the telly for ratings baby!. (yeah, I know what you're thinking...she got skillz/ ignorant fuck!)
Both of these projects failed to see the light of day because i had the foesight to acknowlege my dramatic lack of faith in anything I think up.
So just why is it, that where others would persevere and have convictions, I lay sreadagled with my citrus yellow belly to the world ?
I'm struggling with the notion that, at 23 and 1/2, I am still self absorbed enough to be seeking the 'real' me.
If I don't work out who I am soon, I fear that i shall end up embedded under the fingernails of society as the next bag lady.
So, in my journey of self discovery it seems I should, in actuality, pay less heed to my own fears and plough ahead blindy, safe in the knowlege that even if im not on the right furrow, I am, at least making headway of sorts.
Tomorrow is not about acting, its about removing myself from the marshmallow of Brighton and producing something from nothing.
Look for the girl carrying a false bottomed hat and a rabbit. |
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| Girl seeks railcard, lost in action. |
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| 08:08pm 06/07/2006 |
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music: Muse - BLack Holes and Revelations
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Sooooo
thought id start with plans, then launch into a litany of everything ive wanted to do with my life.
*clears throat*
Saturday see's me travelling up to laughton to meet Gaz and his mother at 2pm, we are then travelling to Aberystwyth.
In Aber i am to stay at young Gaz's house for 2 weeks give or take a month. I am then, on monday starting a 2 week full time drama school. This is free for us, but about £5-600 for others, dunno why we get it free, but...gift horse and mouth knock, y'know the way it goes!
Whilst attending this 9-6 course i also hope to procure myself a job from about 7-12am
Figure i earn money, learn stuff and, finishing at 12 also can feasibly go out after.
This also means i will see everyone else too which should be good, however i'm a tad scared. We shall see, if it goes tits up then i guess it just does ey ?!
What i've wanted to do:
(because im a sea anenome and directionless)
pop star
Fashion Designer
Actress
Archeologist
Hair Dresser
Lawyer
Writer
Journalist
Editor
Psychologist
Script Writer
Comedien
Bar Owner
Make up Artist
Photographer
Television Presenter
Radio DJ
Rock Star
Jewellry Designer
Poet
Fashion Photographer
Advertiser
Detective
You get the idea, there are others, can't currently think of them. And it's any wonder i dunno what to do with my life. Shucks Now i MUST find my railcard
Stupid packing
P>S MUSE-SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE sounds like BRITNEY SPEARS - why dontcha do summin? |
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